2022 at a Glance

2022 was a whirlwind of a year! To reflect on it, I summarized the events of each month and chose a word to best describe that month or how it impacted me. 

January: Adjustments:

My body and mind were recovering from giving birth. We adjusted to living in our new cabin and to having a newborn. My sister Hannah moved in with us. 

February: Choices:

The Freedom Convoy, a historic event within Canada, bonded us with friends and created some divides within family.

March: Progress:

 I was a little too eager to start our garden. I reached out and made some Mom friends; My business thrived this month.

April: Loss:

A depressing amount of rain drowned my seedlings. Our family dog Athena killed herself jumping out a window. My sister moved out.

May: Youth: 

Started to feel more like my pre-pregnancy self physically and mentally. Weather was still too wet to garden but I was doing very well with my rabbit business. 

June: Calm:

Not a whole lot happened outside of the daily grind of farm chores and gardening. Watching Sequoia grow and develop was a beautiful thing. 

July:Anxiety:

Take a pregnancy test and it's positive. My immediate family comes to visit us on the Island. 

August: Anticipation:

Farm is potentially selling. Grandpa puts an offer on 124acre farm and it's accepted. We start working on a bus build to be our new home if the farm sells.

 

September: Waiting:

Waiting for Grandpa's farm to sell. Not wanting to start any new projects till we know if we are moving or not.

October: Excitement:

Farm sells! We start putting all our effort and money into finishing our bus build.

November: Insanity:

Finish bus build, move onto new farm. We are all sick with various illnesses all month.

December: Tired:

So much snow so moving the rest of the farm is halted. We sadly lose some animals due to cold and the stress caused by moving. My pregnancy hormones skyrocket. Christmas goes well though and was a much needed rest from all the chaos. The snow begins to melt and we once again continue moving.

That's where this year ends; The hustle of moving, entering into the third trimester of pregnancy, and building up our new homestead. 

Despite all the crazy, if I were to describe this year in one word, it would be Therapeutic. Motherhood has put a lot of things into perspective for me particularly in the areas of faith and religion in my life. I had been struggling with my beliefs and what I had been taught about God from a young age. With a child of my own it has given me much needed clarity. I've come to the conclusion that I benefited a lot from faith and belief in God but that certain religious beliefs were harmful for my mental and physical health and I'm not raising my daughter under them. Making these sort of decisions finally has given me a new sense of freedom and peace. Although deconstructing faith and purity culture isn't easy, it is enlightening and I find I live in a lot less fear. 

As far a goals for 2023, I think we have our work cut out for us. Setting up our new homestead is going to be a full year project and we are expecting a new family member in the spring. I would like to continue working on improving my crocheting skills though and work on more fibre projects! There is a lot of potential and prospects for our little family in 2023 and I'm excited to see how the new year plays out! 

Wishing you all a Happy New Years! Excited to see where life takes you and what God has planned for you in this new year! 

It All Comes Down to that One Cow

I look back on the whirlwind of the last several years and I think of all the little choices made that if they hadn’t been made….where would I be now?!

For example, I met Aiden through online dating. His profile was honestly boring and I almost swiped left; There was just one picture of him with a cow and I wanted to meet the cow, so that’s the only reason I swiped right! I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for that cow.

He made the choice not to put that he had a child on his profile and if he had, I would have swiped left. I would have missed out on being part of a beautiful boys’ life! I’m grateful I got the chance to meet Aiden the first couple dates without having that knowledge as an initial judgement of him. 

Even decisions like going tree planting instead of working in Ontario brought me here, and if I hadn’t made that choice I wouldn’t have moved out here and would have missed out on this incredible life. 

Choices are scary, all choices have consequences, but if you don’t make choices, if you only stay in your comfort zone, you don’t get the opportunity to live! To really live is an incredible experience! I decided early on in life that I didn’t want to just read adventure in books, I wanted to live them. 

I have!

This chapter of life as a mother sometimes feels dry but I’m aware it is a chapter. It’s a chapter where I get to be a teacher and inspire younger versions of myself to seek their own adventures. In the process, I grow wiser, and when they leave, I won’t even be that old and can continue seeking adventures if I choose to.

I sit here on the porch with a sleeping baby on my chest, dogs by my side, watching my step son play in the kiddy pool; I laugh! Being here right now all comes down to the man I love taking a picture with a cow!

The Unseen of Farm Life

In agritourism (agricultural tourism) one often sees the best aspects of a farm. You know; The cute cuddly full of personality animals and the tall green healthy stalks of a happy garden.

Not commonly seen is the pile of dirty unwashed equipment, the ever growing manure pile, the hours of work put into starting seeds that didn’t grow, and the most hidden but ever prevalent….

Death 

Where life is abundant so is death. On my social media or at a farm event you will see the cute animals of our farm having a good time. You won’t see the massacre ravens left after killing thirty of our chickens for fun or the remains of a Pekin duck taken out by a raccoon. We have five healthy baby goats but there was a baby goat that didn’t make it. Death happens, and sometimes because of the frequency I can get rather numb to it. 

But that numbness doesn’t apply to all the animals at the farm and I am testament to that! This past week my gosling died.

What’s worse is our puppy killed it…

Getting a gosling was not my idea, Aiden kind of just brought home the little bugger and because of its age it had to spend the nights in the cabin. At first I was like, “Great, one more creature to look after!” However, I fell in love with it and it imprinted rather strongly on me following me around and laying at my feet. Aiden’s son named it Dino Doug. The puppy Nyx and Dino were in the house together and although the puppy would chase him now and then, Dino always managed to find away to fit somewhere that the puppy couldn’t.

The accident occurred while I was breast feeding. Dino Doug had been spending most of his days in our front field forging. Occasionally, he would slip through the fence and come into our yard but if the puppy was in the yard he tended to stay in the field. Usually if they had an interaction I would hear Dino’s cries for help and would rush out and make sure he had got away or call the puppy off of him. I don’t know if the puppy got him further away from the house or if I snoozed in the middle of feeding the baby and didn’t hear the commotion….

I laid the baby down for her nap and went outside to check on the pets. Nyx stared up at me wagging her tail with my gosling gutted all across the yard. 

It was like being in a really bad dream. A sound exploded from my frame and I chucked a rock at Nyx howling with furry and falling on my knees. I sobbed, I ugly cried, I screamed up at the sky and at the dog and at myself, and repeated “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Over and over again to my goose. I was alone, no one else was at the farm. I called at least four people before finally getting Aiden’s parents on the phone asking if they could come over. I felt like I might kill the dog if she kept staring at me; And in my state of complete shock, horror, and grief I didn’t feel competent to care for my own baby. 

They came and I spilled out my thoughts, emotions, and unprocessed feelings to Aiden’s Dad (who is a councillor) while I stroked Dino’s mangled frame. We then proceeded to bury him in the field where Dino so loved to forge. 

It was a rather surreal experience while Aiden’s Dad dug the grave for me. I stood there in the field with Dino wrapped in a blanket clutched to my chest. I still felt chills of emotion rush through me, tears still welled in my eyes, but the initial shock had worn off. On the horizon dark storm clouds had formed but behind me I could feel the sun and it lit up the field with a warm ambience. The sheep, calf, and piglets continued their grazing and it was like nothing had happened. 

Life went on….

Life goes on; I grieved but also knew from previous experience that just because one creature dies the others don’t stop living. I let myself fully feel the moment of terror, pain, and grief as I lay my beautiful goose to rest…

Then I let him and all the pain go. Life goes on, and so must I. Life is full of darkness but also full of light. 

The unseen of farming is part of what you see in those of us who do it. It is the ability for those of us who farm to move on and to continue cultivating life. 

Embracing Chaos

My sister recently asked me how I managed my life. My answer….

Embrace the chaos!

There is literally no other way to do it! Managing livestock, cooking, cleaning, gardening, and caring for the kids is a recipe for chaos and if I let it consume me or stress me out there would be no way to handle it all. So, I just take all the craziness and enjoy what I can. 

The house won’t always get clean, the dishes won’t always get washed, the barn might occasionally look like a bomb went off, animals will escape, the kids will slip and hurt themselves. It doesn’t matter! 

What matters is that everyone in this family feels loved and appreciated, that we get to spend time together not stressing. As long the animals have access to food and water and shelter they will survive! 

It’s the season of babies right now and the barn is full of baby goats, piglets, rabbit kits, and we even have a gosling too! There is so much energy in the air. 

Sequoia is growing so fast! She wants to move on her own so badly. She is often communicating through babbles and grunts and although she is happy in most of my pictures she most definitely cries when she is mad. 

Can one get cabin fever living on eight acres?! Absolutely! I try to get out daily for a walk and do some geocaching with the kids to make it more exciting!

The weather has been really unpredictable which has made gardening a bit of a headache but now that we are entering into May I’m hoping for at least no more snow or frost. 

   

Life might be crazy right now but we sure do have a lot of fun!

Motherhood

Our precious daughter is almost three months old and I’ve felt myself easing into this new role as a mother.

One of the questions I hated when she was first born was, “How does it feel to be a mother?” Firstly, the question felt a little insulting (although I knew that wasn’t the intention) as I had been doing everything a mother does for Aiden’s son when we would have him. Secondly, there was so much going on when Sequoia was born; Christmas was around the corner then we got really sick; I didn’t have time to comprehend anything. 

Now after three months I can answer that question a little better. It’s intense and wonderful; That is how I would describe motherhood. Motherhood and farming at the same time is a lot! The other day she was still sleeping after farm chores and I had enough time to cook and eat a lunch in peace with my two hands. I thought how funny it was that I was enjoying such a simple moment of being able to eat with two hands not feeling rushed. 

The intensity of motherhood; Rushing from one thing to the next. Never sleeping fully at night even if baby is sleeping because I’m worried if she is breathing. Wondering if I’m doing this newborn thing right because I’m relaying on my instincts and I have no idea what I am doing! Trying to find time to eat, to clean, to have a shower; Trying to do everything but also not enough to burn myself out. It’s been a lot about learning what to prioritize and what to let slide. 

          

Sitting and nursing for the greater part of the day is hard for me sometimes. I get bored, so many thoughts flow through my head but I rarely get the chance to sit and write out these thoughts. I often feel cabin fever and lonely. Being a workaholic it can be hard for me to just sit or play. I want to be in the barn and working on projects

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The wonderful things: Watching her coo, laugh, and smile! Having a baby to cuddle. Watching her and her brother interact. I’ve never felt so purposeful and needed in my life! Our maternal bond is strong! Just observing her grow and take in everything is magical and there are moments with her where I have never felt so happy! The bond between Aiden and is stronger and I’m so happy and proud of our little family….big family I guess if you include the one hundred and fifty animals. 

Going from a pregnant body to a not pregnant one has been a weird adjustment. I had just come to place of comfort in my pregnant body and now I’m back to what my body used to be and that changes you mentally in some ways. A lot of who you are and how you feel ties into your body and how you feel in it; Adjusting back to the old me has been uncomfortable almost. 

Overall, I love having a baby despite the challenges and changes. She is really good for a newborn and I feel so blessed that she sleeps well at night. I’ve got about another month left to really enjoy the time between the two of us before the busy spring season starts at the farm.