Oyster

 Dear Oyster,

It's been one week since I stood in the corner of the farm garden holding your limp body in an old baby blanket. I gazed into your fluffy face, thinking if it wasn't for the blood trickling out of your mouth you looked almost as if you were sleeping. There was so much I wanted to say to you, but all I could mutter was, "I love you," as Aiden helped me lay your dead body into the little grave he had dug in the Earth. 

Now it's been one week and I feel like I can process the accident and say what I wanted to say to you that day.

I only had you for two weeks, but you were a blessing. The way you would turn your head to the side when I asked you to lie down, the way you would stare at me very intently when I asked you to sit; those little expressions made my day. You made me laugh when you chased after birds, pounced on Aiden in the morning so excited to begin the day. I loved watching your little brain at work as you climbed on the boulders with me by the ocean side. How at the end of a workday you would run full speed towards me in the parking lot when Aiden let you go, your eyes focused straight at your mom and nothing else. 

That's how I felt that tragic day when I carried your limp body from the driveway to the grave; I felt like I was carrying my baby to the grave. 

It had been a good start to the day. You tackling Aiden out of bed, a brisk morning walk to the beach where you ran around retrieving sticks and yanking at Athena's ears. When Aiden's son came in the morning you were all over him with licks and kisses, and super excited to get in the jeep on the way to the farm. 

I didn't think to say anything to you when we got to the farm, or to pet you, or tell you I loved you. We had been going to the farm frequently to work on the van and I had Aiden's son in my arms leaving you and Athena in Aiden's care. It was a wonderful time with the boy as we pet the baby goat, went on a stroll through the field, and talked with the cows. We were just on our way back to check on you and Aiden when I got the fatal call. 

It was rare for anyone to come into the driveway at the farm, so when Aiden went into the barn to grab a tool and you were too busy exploring to follow, he wasn't worried about you and I wouldn't have been either. You never went too far! You being so small and probably lying on the driveway chewing at a stick or feather, the person picking up eggs didn't see you and probably didn't feel anything as they ran you over.

At least it was quick, you felt no pain. You were being you; Exploring, adventuring, excited about the world and about life which was still very new to you.  

First I felt just pure grief and loss, hardly able to comprehend that you were gone. Thinking about all that we had lost by losing you. Then I felt slightly cold towards Athena wondering why it had to be my puppy that got run over, why it had to be you. Then I felt guilty for feeling this way but feeling it nonetheless. Every time I saw a puppy, something that used to bring me joy and a smile, I felt a deep pain in my chest and wondering why all these other puppies could exist but you were taken away. 

Then one night I had a dream and you were there on my bed licking my face and talking to me. You said, "Jacinta, it's okay. I haven't really left. I am still running alongside you at the beach, I am still having a nap in the hay stall, I'm still out there chasing the birds and chewing everything in sight. Look for me in Athena, and you will see that my spirit is in her as well."

And indeed, it is! Whenever she chews something, has an accident inside, or has a mischievous moment I don't get angry because I see you in her. And now that I see that, I no longer am cold towards her and can appreciate the puppy she is. I send the love I had for you to her and I see her feed and grow off of it. I open up to her and she opens up with me.

So what I want to say Oyster is thankyou. Thank you for those precious few days of your life you spent with us, for all the times you made me laugh and smile. For helping me to realize how precious life is and that I should never take anything or anyone for granted. Thank you for giving me a new sense of wonder and excitement in life and for helping me grow closer to Athena and Aiden. I will miss you dearly but even though your loss hurts, it was totally worth knowing you in the first place and I thank God for the time I got to spend with you.