It All Comes Down to that One Cow

I look back on the whirlwind of the last several years and I think of all the little choices made that if they hadn’t been made….where would I be now?!

For example, I met Aiden through online dating. His profile was honestly boring and I almost swiped left; There was just one picture of him with a cow and I wanted to meet the cow, so that’s the only reason I swiped right! I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for that cow.

He made the choice not to put that he had a child on his profile and if he had, I would have swiped left. I would have missed out on being part of a beautiful boys’ life! I’m grateful I got the chance to meet Aiden the first couple dates without having that knowledge as an initial judgement of him. 

Even decisions like going tree planting instead of working in Ontario brought me here, and if I hadn’t made that choice I wouldn’t have moved out here and would have missed out on this incredible life. 

Choices are scary, all choices have consequences, but if you don’t make choices, if you only stay in your comfort zone, you don’t get the opportunity to live! To really live is an incredible experience! I decided early on in life that I didn’t want to just read adventure in books, I wanted to live them. 

I have!

This chapter of life as a mother sometimes feels dry but I’m aware it is a chapter. It’s a chapter where I get to be a teacher and inspire younger versions of myself to seek their own adventures. In the process, I grow wiser, and when they leave, I won’t even be that old and can continue seeking adventures if I choose to.

I sit here on the porch with a sleeping baby on my chest, dogs by my side, watching my step son play in the kiddy pool; I laugh! Being here right now all comes down to the man I love taking a picture with a cow!

The Unseen of Farm Life

In agritourism (agricultural tourism) one often sees the best aspects of a farm. You know; The cute cuddly full of personality animals and the tall green healthy stalks of a happy garden.

Not commonly seen is the pile of dirty unwashed equipment, the ever growing manure pile, the hours of work put into starting seeds that didn’t grow, and the most hidden but ever prevalent….

Death 

Where life is abundant so is death. On my social media or at a farm event you will see the cute animals of our farm having a good time. You won’t see the massacre ravens left after killing thirty of our chickens for fun or the remains of a Pekin duck taken out by a raccoon. We have five healthy baby goats but there was a baby goat that didn’t make it. Death happens, and sometimes because of the frequency I can get rather numb to it. 

But that numbness doesn’t apply to all the animals at the farm and I am testament to that! This past week my gosling died.

What’s worse is our puppy killed it…

Getting a gosling was not my idea, Aiden kind of just brought home the little bugger and because of its age it had to spend the nights in the cabin. At first I was like, “Great, one more creature to look after!” However, I fell in love with it and it imprinted rather strongly on me following me around and laying at my feet. Aiden’s son named it Dino Doug. The puppy Nyx and Dino were in the house together and although the puppy would chase him now and then, Dino always managed to find away to fit somewhere that the puppy couldn’t.

The accident occurred while I was breast feeding. Dino Doug had been spending most of his days in our front field forging. Occasionally, he would slip through the fence and come into our yard but if the puppy was in the yard he tended to stay in the field. Usually if they had an interaction I would hear Dino’s cries for help and would rush out and make sure he had got away or call the puppy off of him. I don’t know if the puppy got him further away from the house or if I snoozed in the middle of feeding the baby and didn’t hear the commotion….

I laid the baby down for her nap and went outside to check on the pets. Nyx stared up at me wagging her tail with my gosling gutted all across the yard. 

It was like being in a really bad dream. A sound exploded from my frame and I chucked a rock at Nyx howling with furry and falling on my knees. I sobbed, I ugly cried, I screamed up at the sky and at the dog and at myself, and repeated “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Over and over again to my goose. I was alone, no one else was at the farm. I called at least four people before finally getting Aiden’s parents on the phone asking if they could come over. I felt like I might kill the dog if she kept staring at me; And in my state of complete shock, horror, and grief I didn’t feel competent to care for my own baby. 

They came and I spilled out my thoughts, emotions, and unprocessed feelings to Aiden’s Dad (who is a councillor) while I stroked Dino’s mangled frame. We then proceeded to bury him in the field where Dino so loved to forge. 

It was a rather surreal experience while Aiden’s Dad dug the grave for me. I stood there in the field with Dino wrapped in a blanket clutched to my chest. I still felt chills of emotion rush through me, tears still welled in my eyes, but the initial shock had worn off. On the horizon dark storm clouds had formed but behind me I could feel the sun and it lit up the field with a warm ambience. The sheep, calf, and piglets continued their grazing and it was like nothing had happened. 

Life went on….

Life goes on; I grieved but also knew from previous experience that just because one creature dies the others don’t stop living. I let myself fully feel the moment of terror, pain, and grief as I lay my beautiful goose to rest…

Then I let him and all the pain go. Life goes on, and so must I. Life is full of darkness but also full of light. 

The unseen of farming is part of what you see in those of us who do it. It is the ability for those of us who farm to move on and to continue cultivating life. 

Embracing Chaos

My sister recently asked me how I managed my life. My answer….

Embrace the chaos!

There is literally no other way to do it! Managing livestock, cooking, cleaning, gardening, and caring for the kids is a recipe for chaos and if I let it consume me or stress me out there would be no way to handle it all. So, I just take all the craziness and enjoy what I can. 

The house won’t always get clean, the dishes won’t always get washed, the barn might occasionally look like a bomb went off, animals will escape, the kids will slip and hurt themselves. It doesn’t matter! 

What matters is that everyone in this family feels loved and appreciated, that we get to spend time together not stressing. As long the animals have access to food and water and shelter they will survive! 

It’s the season of babies right now and the barn is full of baby goats, piglets, rabbit kits, and we even have a gosling too! There is so much energy in the air. 

Sequoia is growing so fast! She wants to move on her own so badly. She is often communicating through babbles and grunts and although she is happy in most of my pictures she most definitely cries when she is mad. 

Can one get cabin fever living on eight acres?! Absolutely! I try to get out daily for a walk and do some geocaching with the kids to make it more exciting!

The weather has been really unpredictable which has made gardening a bit of a headache but now that we are entering into May I’m hoping for at least no more snow or frost. 

   

Life might be crazy right now but we sure do have a lot of fun!

Motherhood

Our precious daughter is almost three months old and I’ve felt myself easing into this new role as a mother.

One of the questions I hated when she was first born was, “How does it feel to be a mother?” Firstly, the question felt a little insulting (although I knew that wasn’t the intention) as I had been doing everything a mother does for Aiden’s son when we would have him. Secondly, there was so much going on when Sequoia was born; Christmas was around the corner then we got really sick; I didn’t have time to comprehend anything. 

Now after three months I can answer that question a little better. It’s intense and wonderful; That is how I would describe motherhood. Motherhood and farming at the same time is a lot! The other day she was still sleeping after farm chores and I had enough time to cook and eat a lunch in peace with my two hands. I thought how funny it was that I was enjoying such a simple moment of being able to eat with two hands not feeling rushed. 

The intensity of motherhood; Rushing from one thing to the next. Never sleeping fully at night even if baby is sleeping because I’m worried if she is breathing. Wondering if I’m doing this newborn thing right because I’m relaying on my instincts and I have no idea what I am doing! Trying to find time to eat, to clean, to have a shower; Trying to do everything but also not enough to burn myself out. It’s been a lot about learning what to prioritize and what to let slide. 

          

Sitting and nursing for the greater part of the day is hard for me sometimes. I get bored, so many thoughts flow through my head but I rarely get the chance to sit and write out these thoughts. I often feel cabin fever and lonely. Being a workaholic it can be hard for me to just sit or play. I want to be in the barn and working on projects

.

The wonderful things: Watching her coo, laugh, and smile! Having a baby to cuddle. Watching her and her brother interact. I’ve never felt so purposeful and needed in my life! Our maternal bond is strong! Just observing her grow and take in everything is magical and there are moments with her where I have never felt so happy! The bond between Aiden and is stronger and I’m so happy and proud of our little family….big family I guess if you include the one hundred and fifty animals. 

Going from a pregnant body to a not pregnant one has been a weird adjustment. I had just come to place of comfort in my pregnant body and now I’m back to what my body used to be and that changes you mentally in some ways. A lot of who you are and how you feel ties into your body and how you feel in it; Adjusting back to the old me has been uncomfortable almost. 

Overall, I love having a baby despite the challenges and changes. She is really good for a newborn and I feel so blessed that she sleeps well at night. I’ve got about another month left to really enjoy the time between the two of us before the busy spring season starts at the farm. 

24 Years of Living

                                            

I once remember a conversation I overheard between two older men that really stood out to me. The one-man was turning eighty and his friend was laughing saying, "I bet you're not looking forward to this birthday!" 

The older man laughed like he had heard that before and replied, "My birthday is my favorite day of the year! It's the only day of the year that is mine and I make sure to celebrate myself on that day....you may as well celebrate your birthday because no matter if you do celebrate or you don't, you are still going to get older."

That totally changed my perspective on birthdays and so I make sure to celebrate mine and encourage others to celebrate their birthday as well. Especially after having given birth and experiencing the miracle and goodness that life is, a birthday feels far more significant and special to me. 

Today I am twenty-four! On January 12th, 1998 my mother gave birth to me, her first child, in Maple Ridge British Columbia. I was very independent from the start of life and explorative. These character traits have led me to have some incredible life experiences already! Here are some of my favorite photos chronicling the past twenty-four years.

I couldn't be more grateful for the life God has given me and for all the people I've met along the way who have made this journey memorable! Looking forward to where this next year of life will take me.