Motherhood

Our precious daughter is almost three months old and I’ve felt myself easing into this new role as a mother.

One of the questions I hated when she was first born was, “How does it feel to be a mother?” Firstly, the question felt a little insulting (although I knew that wasn’t the intention) as I had been doing everything a mother does for Aiden’s son when we would have him. Secondly, there was so much going on when Sequoia was born; Christmas was around the corner then we got really sick; I didn’t have time to comprehend anything. 

Now after three months I can answer that question a little better. It’s intense and wonderful; That is how I would describe motherhood. Motherhood and farming at the same time is a lot! The other day she was still sleeping after farm chores and I had enough time to cook and eat a lunch in peace with my two hands. I thought how funny it was that I was enjoying such a simple moment of being able to eat with two hands not feeling rushed. 

The intensity of motherhood; Rushing from one thing to the next. Never sleeping fully at night even if baby is sleeping because I’m worried if she is breathing. Wondering if I’m doing this newborn thing right because I’m relaying on my instincts and I have no idea what I am doing! Trying to find time to eat, to clean, to have a shower; Trying to do everything but also not enough to burn myself out. It’s been a lot about learning what to prioritize and what to let slide. 

          

Sitting and nursing for the greater part of the day is hard for me sometimes. I get bored, so many thoughts flow through my head but I rarely get the chance to sit and write out these thoughts. I often feel cabin fever and lonely. Being a workaholic it can be hard for me to just sit or play. I want to be in the barn and working on projects

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The wonderful things: Watching her coo, laugh, and smile! Having a baby to cuddle. Watching her and her brother interact. I’ve never felt so purposeful and needed in my life! Our maternal bond is strong! Just observing her grow and take in everything is magical and there are moments with her where I have never felt so happy! The bond between Aiden and is stronger and I’m so happy and proud of our little family….big family I guess if you include the one hundred and fifty animals. 

Going from a pregnant body to a not pregnant one has been a weird adjustment. I had just come to place of comfort in my pregnant body and now I’m back to what my body used to be and that changes you mentally in some ways. A lot of who you are and how you feel ties into your body and how you feel in it; Adjusting back to the old me has been uncomfortable almost. 

Overall, I love having a baby despite the challenges and changes. She is really good for a newborn and I feel so blessed that she sleeps well at night. I’ve got about another month left to really enjoy the time between the two of us before the busy spring season starts at the farm.